My Heart

The moment is almost here… when I have to let go of my tight hold on things. I have to entrust my precious twin toddlers to a stranger’s care and hope for the best.

Hope they are treated well, fed with patience, consoled when crying, changed when wet. Hope that someone notices when they fall over in the playground and can’t get up by themselves because the harsh weather requires so many layers of clothing that they look like little Michelin men. Hope that someone wants to get to know them well enough to tell them apart. Hope that they make friends and enjoy themselves and learn new games and skills. Hope that they won’t miss me too much.

They will be spending more time with those strangers than with their own parents and that is the sad part of modern society. I will only see them in the evenings when we are all tired and sleepy, and during the all too short, errand-filled weekends.

I’m not one of those people who return to work because I want to. I don’t feel it adds to my self-worth or importance. As a female, I don’t feel it makes me more equal with men. I’m simply returning for the pay check. If I won the lottery, I could think of thousands of more fulfilling and worthwhile ways of spending my days. I have dreams, ideas, things I enjoy doing, an imagination. I would certainly not get bored. I have quit previous jobs enough times to know this for a fact! But we are here, now, and that’s not what’s happening.

I recently read somewhere: Your chore-filled days are someone’s childhood. An excellent point to remember, as I embark on an even busier weekly routine with my employer’s wishes demanding my attention and energy. In between it all, I’ll need to be able to somehow conjure magical childhood moments for my boys, too. How odd that the most important priority in our lives, parent-child interaction, gets allotted the least time. Maybe I’ll learn to live without sleep – it would certainly save me a few hours each day!

Whatever happens, I’ll need to learn to let go of my tight control. What the boys have for lunch, what they end up wearing to the playground, and what they’ll be taught will be out of my hands for five days a week.

I’m a hard worker and I’ll do my best at the office. But my heart will be somewhere else… with two little boys who speak in syllables and open their mouths for colorful spoons, expecting to be fed and wiped clean. I hope those strangers will hear my little ones when they point and communicate with such clarity in their own way. I hope their joy will be appreciated and shared. I hope they’ll be treated well by the world.

Advertisements

84 responses to “My Heart

  1. I didn’t want to ‘like’ this, actually. I wish I had a million dollars to give away. You are very brave. And your discernment is sharp – I’m sure the care you’ve found for the Twins is wonderful. You can hold on to that. x

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks, dear 🙂 We were finally accepted at the daycare that was our number one choice, so yay for that! But who knows what it’s really like there, it all depends on the staff. The facilities are great; new building etc. It has potential.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Such a touching and bit sad post, Snow! Poor little Michelin men, hope they will thrive in new surroundings and grow and be content.
    Another thing – a question. Could you not choose stay longer at home? I know, it is not a popular choice in those regions, but I know my Ukrainian friend did it. Staying 2 years at home (second year getting only 60% of salary), that was her priority. It is great she could afford it. Isn’t Finnish state nice on those moms who want to stay a bit longer with their kids?

    Liked by 2 people

    • I think those Finnish mums who can and who want to do stay at home. Many stay for several years. For me, it’s not possible economically. I could work 80% until the boys turn 3 (ie. 4 days a week or shorter days), but I need my whole salary.. I’ll try to do that later on if I can.
      Right now, the benefit I’m receiving from the government is a mere fraction of our monthly costs so savings are needed. I used mine up already!
      With twins, it’s twice as costly to be at home than with one kid or siblings. You see, with twins, you only get one benefit, the same as “singleton” parents get. If I had had two kids one after the other, “normal” siblings, I would get two sets of benefits, one for each child. Also, I would be able to reuse some of the clothes and furniture I would have bought for the second child, recycle and save money that way. But with twins, I need two of everything at once, there are no hand-me-downs since both boys are the same size. We had to buy two beds, two car seats, two of every clothing item… and you know we need a lot of clothes here in the north! 🤣So… with twins I have double the expenses and half the benefit of other families with two kids! Fair, right? 😄
      (Well, to be exact, one of the benefits is a few euros more for siblings including twins but that doesn’t help really. A few euros doesn’t go far in Helsinki.)

      Liked by 1 person

      • Omg, so unfair! Double cost and benefit only for one kid! 😱😱 and I know how many things and clothes kids need in the North. Now I understand better why you made that choice. Uff, what can I say… good luck in the office. And have you heart and rest bc boys gonna socialize and hopefully have a good time))
        I guess, Norwegian state is more generous to moms. The first year they get the whole salary, I think. And if the kid doesn’t get a kindergarten place they receive benefit fair enough to pay to an au-pair. Ok, au-pair is not for every family, bc one needs a big house, a spare room, enough food for her, etc. But my pocket money as au-pair was mostly covered by that benefit, if I remember correct. Good place to be a mom, Norway 🇳🇴 even if it’s cold 😆

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Ahhh!! If I were rich, I’d pay you just so you can stay with them. 🙂 You’re very right, someone’s chore-filled weekend is another one’s childhood. But it goes for partners too. I can promise you that in a short time you will feel better about it, the start is the worst. Letting go of control is probably similar as when you were up in the air and always someone other at the wheel… And remember – they will always have each other. Most of us were alone.

    Liked by 4 people

    • 💕Thanks dear Manja for the thought! Trust the pilot, eh? I’ll try to keep that in mind! 😀 I think once I meet the staff, I’ll feel better. Now they are just abstract figures in the back of my mind.
      And you are right, luckily they have each other!!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hurts my heart, too; I totally feel your pain. I did go back, but part-time, then stayed home, then went back more full-time, then stayed home, then … it’s hard any which way. Like you, I returned mostly for the paycheck although I did get some psychological benefit from doing something productive with other adults. I’ve never found work that is my passion, unfortunately, so leaving my children always made me feel more resentful than fulfilled. All these years later, I am mostly happy with the time I spent doing both things; I guess we all just solve this problem the best way we can and learn to get happy with it if we are positive sorts. I’ll be thinking about you (next week?)!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Lexie! You’re right, we just need to solve this problem the best way we can. That’s all I can do: my best.
      I was supposed to start work in the beginning of November but now it’s been postponed a few weeks – we got into the daycare we wanted to but we had to change the starting date because they are still full for a few more weeks! We got the spots of some family that’s moving – that’s how hard it is to get a spot here! Boy were we lucky!!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. My heart – knows your feelings. I was lucky that my husband agreed to have me stay at home for three years when the children were small. We had saved money and did not spend much those years – the children were so precious. We had waited for so long, and when they finally came, I just could not go back to work. After three years, I went back and worked 50% for some years, then full time. We were lucky.
    I am sure you have found the best alternatives for them – and as in one comment: they have each other at least. Maybe you can find a way to work from home more?
    Big hug and best of luck!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks very much Leya! 🙂
      I had saved up, too, but twins need two of everything and it’s turned out to be quite expensive!! I would love to work from home 100% but I don’t know how I’d arrange that. My current employer lets us work from home sometimes, though… but results would be expected, and the boys need constant attention so I’m not sure how that would work out! 😀 Maybe sometime in the future…

      Like

  6. Highly respect mothers like you.
    “Your chore-filled days are someone’s childhood.” Very true.
    One the other hand in their eyes they will see how you worked hard for their well being.
    Someday and somehow the snow melts….

    Liked by 3 people

  7. well I think you are only seeing it from one angle.
    I know folks who choose to have this and sadly, I know someone who is putting their infant of 90 days in the arms of a childcare worker.
    –and if it really hurst you once you get going – I would insist you go down to part time.
    anyhow, the other way of looking at this is that your children will get stability and being in a group setting (like daycare) can have huge perks for social dynamics and I think too often the ones without enough interaction can get kind of funky.

    I could go on and on – but I want you to be encouraged because you will still have your evening routine – which likely involves reading and snuggling and then sleeping.
    your stable force in their lives is something that develops and grows.
    and maybe I speak from hindsight as I have college age boys.
    and you see –
    children need a mix of experiences and will need a stable force to help them with their schedules and growing – and I know this is a quality daycare (assume so because I recall your post about getting some help with the costs – and how they let you know kind of late).
    the other thing is that you minimize your own needs as a woman.
    and I am all for mom mode – but we forget that in cultures past – the momma was working.
    The Bible has a Proverbs chapter on noble woman – and she “considers a field and buys it” which means she was busy working.
    that is part of it – but my point is that i see now that all the times I worked it truly was good for me and helped me better in my mom role.
    so try not to see this as a “sad part” because it could be just what these twins need – it take s a village and when children are in a group setting – that you know will be structured – and there are cameras everywhere today – well I think they have tons of perks from the social aspect – and see it with many perks too .

    Liked by 2 people

    • I do agree with you, and this is what I’ve been telling myself, too: it will develop their social skills. And they’ll also learn so many new things and get to do stuff I wouldn’t even think of doing with kids! A part of my days with the kids are filled with washing up after meals, folding laundry, etc., but at daycare they’ll have the whole day to do fun things. Also, I’m not great at winter games outdoors when it’s dark and cold, but at daycare they’ll get to play outside everyday, no matter what the weather is! They’ll become little Arctic explorers, not shivering tropical birds like myself! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      • it sounds like you have a nice balanced outlook – and seriously – this is to not sound mean – but the ones I worry about are the lone home babysitter – wonder what goes on all day –
        anyhow, you brought up some great points – and just remember to keep them in prayer – and it brought me so much comfort to know that God knew our children’s names before they were born- and he knows what they need – and life is never perfect – but it can be great and it sounds like the twins have a seriously wonderful momma in you. when I read what you wrote – my heart was tugged and seriously – they are lucky and blessed.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I believe you express here what every mother must feel like the first time they leave their babies to strangers at day care; and I truly hope that all your wishes are well-taken care of and answered. Those strangers are supposed to do so. But I also completely understand how frustrating it must be to HAVE to go back to work instead of staying with your children.
    Let’s get our fingers crossed for you to win the lottery (and go play, please!)
    Sending you big hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. A heart-rending post, indeed. A few of the people I work with have young children who they’ve had to put in childcare so they can return to work. It’s unfortunate that they have to work and be apart from their young children, but luckily my workplace is pretty reasonable with adjusting hours/rosters to suit family time (shorter shifts on some days, earlier finishes, etc). Hope your workplace doesn’t ask too much from you, and appreciates your priorities!

    P.S. There’s a poignancy in the photo that I’m quite drawn to. I think it’s something to do with the perfect, undisturbed covering of autumn leaves. Also autumn is my favourite season 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Thank you for this beautiful post that expresses how deep parental love goes. I can identify with how you feel. But it makes me feel better when I think of how I am their constant. Their surroundings are going to change but I will always be there for them.

    Liked by 3 people

  11. Such a heartfelt post that resonated with me. I reluctantly returned to work part-time after one year. It’s so hard leaving our children and I thought of all the negatives that could happen but I’m sure you have chosen wisely and found a good nursery and they will be fine. It’s just the same when they turn 18 and go off to university, but we all adapt and make the best of things. I’m sure they will be fine but the first few days will be the hardest for you all Snow x.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks, dear Marion! 🙂 The first few days – or weeks – will certainly be the hardest. Luckily there are lots of holidays in December (with the Finnish Independence Day, too) and so the weeks will be a bit shorter. I would love to work part-time but I need my full salary… maybe at some point I’ll try to switch!

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Well, I’m not a mother and I don’t have kids so I should probably shut up and go away. But I’ve always thought, if I’d had kids, I’d have given them issues to deal with one way or another. And if I’d been the perfect parent (somewhere far beyond unlikely) my kids would be riddled with guilt about how good they had it compared to other kids. I’m sure, like most parents, you’ll do the best you can in the circumstances. The ‘chore-filled days’ quote is very apt. I expect you’ll do this very well since you clearly give these issues a good deal of thought. Doesn’t make the emotional pangs of the moment any easier though. Hang in there.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Graham! That’s a good point: no matter what you do, kids will probably view their childhood differently than their parents do. All I can do is try to fit everything in (and not fall asleep at work) and my best effort will have to do! 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Oh, poor Snow! What a heartbreaking post! I’m not a mum, but from what I see from my friends and family, these days parents just miss the best part of their children’s childhood with work and everything… or worse, they spend their best years working and have kids when they are already tired… these are sad times!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Mercedes! 💕 Society is very work-centered over here and there’s a lot of pressure to be perfect in every area of your life, whether it’s truly important or not… oh well, what can I do about it, not much! 😊

      Like

  14. I remember the concerns, the worries and even the sadness when my children were about to start their new prospect of life, their kindergarten life. I asked myself the same questions, the thoughts chased me, and the heart, so heavy at times.
    It will be fine, the kids will enjoy their life in a new environment, it might take a little time. And their mum will never be less important, she will remain dear to them, always. Best best wishes. 🌷

    Liked by 2 people

  15. I totally understand you. Hope the world is kind to your little ones. When I was very young and my daughter was about five, a friend asked me what I wanted my daughter to be. I said that I want her to grow up a tactful, intelligent and lovable person so that she always has friends who’d help her out when I am not around. Hope she teaches her daughters the same thing 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  16. It’s always harder on the mom (parents) than the kids, that’s what they say! My mother is a teacher in a kindergarten and she attests to that. But I understand what you’re describing… It’s unfair to spend so much time apart, especially when the kids are that young. Sending you good vibes for this new season in life! 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  17. You’ll do a great job at work lovely … and your little treasures will be fine. I can’t imagine how you must feel though as I didn’t have children, plus my gorgeous Mum was a stay at home Mum, that’s how it was then. Thinking of you .. hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Hey Snow! Many of us have experienced similar heart wrenching moments and it shows how much a caring, loving parent you are. Does it make it any easy knowing that your twins will have each other? I remember driving away in tears the first day I left my eldest son. He was completely bereft, but only for five minutes! It is an important lesson in life for them to separate from us, so they can develop as their own person, as much as we don’t want them to leave our side!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I hope it’ll only take 5min for the boys too, though every time I’ve tried to leave them with a nanny for a few hours they’ve cried the whole time I was away… 😬 maybe the other kids there will be a distraction! 🤗 The daycare suggested separating the boys. I asked if they couldn’t at least start off together and lets see about separation a bit later. Don’t know yet how it will go!

      Like

      • Hmmmm. In Aus, they tend to keep twins together til they are much older. I guess each child is assessed on a case by case basis. If it guess pear shaped, you can go to Plan B and put them together. I do think the other kids and activity around them will help distract them.

        Liked by 1 person

          • Children are generally very adaptable, but I totally understand what you are saying. I loved my time at home with my kids and felt lucky to have that. But I was also tired and irasible when I didn’t get any kind of break from constant parenting. We do what we need to do as parents, for the overall benefit of the family. The twins will have the opportunity to develop social skills at an earlier age than others left at home with Mum/Dad. It is hard for Mothers not to have some regret/feel guilt, but you will make the most of the time at home with them when you pick them up.

            Liked by 1 person

  19. I’m sure it’s a hard transition, but I’m sure your boys know that they are fully loved by their mom. I hope you are quickly put at ease with their care even if in your heart you’d much rather be with them. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I know how heartbreaking it must be. But think also that this is part of their growth. To meet and interact with strangers. And I’m sure they will win all the hearts over there. And will be loved. Don’t you worry.
    (I have grandbaby Gonzalo asleep here in his room Didn’t go to school because he has a kind of bug. Sleeping is the best remedy. I will let him sleep and then give him lunch. Lots of rice for the tummy!)
    Again: don’t worry. Your little angels will be fine.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.