Gathering my thoughts… from under the sofa… amongst the pile of toys… hiking the small mountain of laundry…
At work, my mind goes blank, blink, blink. I told my boss I haven’t slept in months and he’s pretty easygoing about it.
I had a little intro text to update on a website, exactly the kind of task I would’ve loved using an excessive amount of time to over-analyze.
But now… instead of my own thoughts, I hear the girl in the nearby desk talk. In a loud voice. All day.
It’s not her fault. My sleep-deprived baby brain has gone empty. Where did all the thoughts go? Hello, please come back! I miss you!
Without thoughts, my mind and body have taken on a zombie-like existence. I go from place to place, I’m not late, I keep up with my calendar. But in the evenings, I no longer remember what I did in the morning. I have lost all sense of time, memory, details. I have trouble understanding words that I’m reading. I can barely process any new information.
So finally, a week ago on Monday, Mr Hubby and I decided this has to end. We gritted our teeth and decided to try the feared, the notorious Sleep Training method for toddlers… the one where you let them cry without picking them up until they fall asleep by themselves.
Yes, heartbreaking. But necessary.
Wondering how it would work on twins – would they be able to fall asleep with the other one screaming in their ear, would they fall into separate rhythms, the ultimate nightmare of all twin parents? – we gave it a go.
The first night, they cried for 1-2 hours. My ears almost exploded.
The second night, the first one gave up in 5 minutes (!!!) and the second one only cried for 25 min.
After that, no tears! I now tell them to go to sleep, and they put their heads on their pillows and start to sleep. Utterly incredible!
But that still doesn’t mean I get to sleep. Along with my poor little toddlers and Hubby, I keep getting the flu – over and over again. Almost two months of nighttime coughing and I’ve pretty much had it by now. But no matter what I try, the flu isn’t going anywhere. The zombie hijacking my brain is enjoying itself.
It could be worse. At least there are Christmas lights everywhere.
My little boys hug each other and stroke each other’s hair in such a sweet way. One of them was feeding the other one today, with great care. They surprise me with new skills they must’ve picked up at daycare, like rolling up their sleeves and pointing to the kitchen tap because they want to wash their hands.
Time flies, and it stands still. Moments exist in snapshots, separate from the timeframe they jumped out of. Even if I don’t remember what I mean by “recently”, I remember the events. That’s all I need.
The photos are from Helsinki during the past x weeks (I have lost sense of time, but they are pretty recent! Close enough!)